To Love (Correctly)

An evolving list

‘Audience’ by Peggy Kuiper

Last week, in the 'Meaning of Life' class I teach at MIT, we delved into the concept of self-love. To drive home my point, I turned to the wisdom of the revered Vietnamese monk and Zen teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh. In one of his essays, he profoundly states:

"To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love."

Ah! Those words just pierce through because they are ripe with truth. Often, we may lack the capacity and the ability to express genuine love (even when we have the best intentions). Mismatched expectations cast a smog over the infinite sky of wonder. 

When I shared Hahn's quote online, like my students, many asked, "So, how does one love correctly?" While I'm uncertain if there's a definitive formula, I believe there's a pathway through the intricate forest of relationships that leads to a clearer understanding of ourselves and others.

Though I'm still gathering my thoughts, here are three reflections I've penned down:

1- “To truly love someone, we must seek to understand them, and to understand, we must listen." Thich Nhat Hanh offers a remedy. Taking it further, I suggest understanding oneself before attempting to understand others. Knowing who we are and what we want allows other to make space for how their needs may or may not align. In the absence of self-knowledge, we often mistake the fog for the cloud and the cloud for the sky. We confuse the momentary with the eternal and the optional with the essential.

2- Recognizing that everything we love evolves. The acceptance of this truth helps us navigate the discomfort change brings and evolve alongside it. We transform into newer versions of ourselves while holding onto people's outdated versions we once loved.

3- Drawing big beautiful boundaries, and letting people colour their expectations within those, helps. Every once in a while, they will miss the point and go crazy. That’s okay occasionally but not as a lifestyle. In order to love without hurting someone we have to be willing to learn the language of love they speak and what’s outside their vocabulary. Sweeping generalisations breed conflict and chaos. If boundaries are hard for you to draw begin by connecting the dots. Match this odd feeling to the last one you had, to the one before that. Soon you’ll have a map to protect two fragile hearts. 

I’ll keep thinking more! I would love to hear about your advice/experience in the comments. What else would you add to this list?